Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls

How the 90s all-girl band TLC became conservative pioneers

Hello, readers. Live from New York, it’s The Cultural Futurist? I’ve been busier than ever with my new art gallery, but I didn’t want to stop sharing my writing here. So, I’ve decided to share an older piece of mine that I wrote for an independent publication called Splice Today in 2018. Don’t expect it to be current. Simply enjoy the trip back in time.

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We often take the 1990s for granted, especially when it comes to networks like MTV. It seemed like they existed solely to rub the ass of culture in our faces. They were a highly influential media outlet that had no shame or decency, and that is precisely why they were so popular. MTV rode the tiger all the way to the bank.

Yet there was a time when everything wasn’t some ironic social experiment. MTV started out as wholesome. They walked the finest of lines and they did it with grace. The 90s all-girl band TLC is living proof of MTV’s initial purity. During this time, mainstream media classics like The Simpsons were the natural state of American comedy. They employed postmodern humor to their 9-5 demographic without making an ironic scene, another fine line to walk.

A good portion of media released before the launch of Adult Swim became a ancient relic because the irony vibe was lacking. TLC, also standing for Tender Loving Care, were a popular band that created their music and videos without a single hint of irony. The greatest example of this was Waterfalls.

Waterfalls was a song and music video that anyone who was around for this period will remember. MTV aired Waterfalls constantly, often spliced with clips from the brilliant Liquid Television and the crowd-pleasing Beavis and Butt-Head. How were we to know that we would all get Singled Out?

There was nothing postmodern about Waterfalls, a song produced to educate children and teenagers about AIDS. The women in TLC sung about avoiding fast choices that to lead to fatal consequences. The message of TLC wasn’t to wear booty shorts like Beyoncé, but to honor Chesterton’s Fence for the sake of prosperity. If you don’t understand why a barricade is there, perhaps you should accept that it exists for a reason.

Waterfalls was a wholesome song about sticking to that which you already knew in order to hold back the forces of decay. Contrary to modern activist movements in which white liberals compete with race peddlers to see who can be the best political mouthpiece, Waterfalls had a message of pride and caution in an era when artists like Lil’ Kim were displaying sex-positive feminist propaganda.

“I don’t want dick tonight.

Eat my pussy right.

The moral of the story is this.

You ain’t getting shit until you stick your tongue in this.”

—Lil’ Kim on Not Tonight released in 1996

While Not Tonight was appealing to the liberty-inclined consumers who wanted to do drugs and have sex in fast cars without getting shoved in the trunk, (quite sensible yet still Pixar for adults) Waterfalls managed to be family-friendly without liberal pandering. The song and video for Waterfalls stand out as a foundational point of history in a world before critical theory and her various unicorn rides took control of the narrative. TLC were not broadcasting some message about sex-positivity. Instead, they highlighted the protection of their bodies in order to avoid disease.

Observe:

“Don’t go chasing waterfalls

Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to

I know that you’re gonna have it your way or nothing at all

But I think you’re moving too fast.”

—TLC on Waterfalls released in 1995

These were good lyrics. They were pre-Obama-maybe-change-is-actually-bad lyrics. Meanwhile, bands like The Spice Girls were all about ironic in-jokes and “girl power.” Not that I didn’t love The Spice Girls, cause I was totally a combination of Posh Spice and Scary Spice. Yet during this same time, R&B artists like Ginuwine had one message only, and that message was as follows:

“If you’re horny, let’s do it

Ride it, my pony

My saddle’s waiting

Come and jump on it.”

—Ginuwine on Pony released in 1996

TLC were never heralded as conservative pioneers, perhaps because it’s only among white liberals in which being a sensible person is considered to be conservative. I’d be hard pressed to find any black musicians who didn’t understand the point of nationalism. Kanye West recently expressed support for Donald Trump and his dragon energy, recognizing a unity among his fellow Americans.

While progressive favorites like Beyoncé have become political activists in the league of Bill Nye and their pay-to-say leftists, TLC has remained virtuous as they’ve signaled safety and kindness. Tender Loving Care was CrazySexyCool, but they didn’t need to prove it through being shocking or derivative. They refused to dress modestly, yet chose their own unique styles despite the trend of degenerate booty shorts. They were more Camille Paglia than xPolyWhore69x. TLC held their own in a genre saturated with mindless sex, drugs, and bitches.

TLC were a lot like Mister Rogers in their messaging. Despite an outlook that today could be considered sex-negative, or maybe even TERF, (gasp) the members of TLC wore whatever the hell they wanted to on stage.

Let’s all do a toast to ignoring the waterfalls of the future.

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