15 Band Ideas for the Future

An Interruption from the Election Chaos

Greetings, freaks and normies. I know you’re sick of all the electoin chaos by now. So, with the election one day away, I’ve decided to provide some levity as a woman. Who says autists can’t learn gender norms? Here is my list of 15 Band Ideas for the Future. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the non-election material.

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15 Band Ideas for the Future

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1. Globohomo
   A queer punk band reclaiming the term “globohomo” because why not. Their performances are queer af. They bring drag queens on stage to read stories while slamming on their drums and stroking their guitars. The lead singer is a transexual model from LA who used to be a crust punk.

2. Paradox of Tolerance
   There’s one nazbol, one national socialist, one nationalist, one anarchist, and one communist—a living horseshoe theory mashup of The Village People. Each member sports an over-the-top costume and signature dance move. None of the members are political; they’re just hipsters with groupies who love their moves.

3. Citizen Spookie
   A Brooklyn-based band catering to hackers and cyberpunks. With synths and circuit glitches, they perform in head-to-toe black, exchanging secretive nods in their masks. They pretend to interrogate the audience in between every song. You don’t know if you’re a part of the show.

4. Manifesting Abundance
   It’s just a girl on stage looking at herself in the mirror to the sound of sped up self-help audiobooks on repeat. This is the entire performance, and you have to sit through it for an hour. Have fun, fellow scenester.

5. NeoReacktor
   A noise project. Two guys stand on stage looping samples of Nick Land's CCRU-era writings. Their mics are attached to distortion pedals. After every song, one of the band members screams incoherent numerology gibberish at the other member.

6. Elite Posthuman Capital
   Four guys and one girl are playing synthesizers while dressed as cyborgs, each with their IQ score on their t-shirt. It’s sort of like Kraftwerk but with more of an obnoxious irony feel. They’re reinventing Austin.

7. The Fertility Crisis
   Six women get on stage and start screaming about their sexual problems as they play hardcore riot grrl. They pretend to be on their periods and pour blood all over the stage. They have dolls they’ve turned into aborted fetuses that they’re wearing as necklaces.

8. Virtue Sigil
   An occult goth band plays purely by the candlelight. The projector displays sigils and signs of angry protestors in a mashup. The lead singer, a guy doing an impression of Rozz Williams, cries on stage about the death of liberalism. The guitarist is half-naked and whispering about oppression as the candle flickers.

9. Doomsday Division
   A death-industrial band screams grim predictions of the future through heavy voice distortion. They wear apocalypse-themed armor and gas masks as they perform. Sped up images of civilizational catastrophes display on the projector screen.

10. Fake News Family Circus
    Circus atmosphere set to a carnival pop soundtrack. There’s a surreal puppet show parodying current events. Shows are attended by families nationwide. It’s wholesome fun and it’s QAnon for the weekend. They play weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.

11. Ghosts of Innovation

    Neofolk for Silicon Valley types. The band performs in front of a video projector that displays PowerPoints of pitch decks, singing of days once past as they yodel and yearn on their guitars for the early days of the startup scene. They’re big in the Lower East Side.

12. The Dataists
    An electronic ensemble that combines glitchcore with spoken word, ranting about data privacy and the end of human agency. Their visuals show scrambled code and hacked data with flashing surveillance warnings. The stage is covered in broken wires. Lots of bleeping and buzzing.

13. Circuit Chamber
    Hardcore metal project where each band member is hooked up to fake IVs. They play with frenzied metallic soundscapes that simulate a human-machine interface gone wrong. The drummer is a stripper from Portland who’s wrapped in medical equipment. The bassist is a fat midget on meth.

14. Total Exhaustion
    Post-industrial doom with painfully slow songs. The stage is full of broken clocks and each band member moves in slow motion. The female vocalist chants sexually about the death of time. Shows end with eerie silence. Only in Oakland.

15. Ashes and Echos

    A guy pretending to be a Substack blogger gets on stage and repeatedly talks about how nothing good ever happens to blasting samples of Hitler speeches. He’s the only person on stage. The audience is composed of federal informants.

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There you have it. Non-election content coming straight to you a day before the fake-ass spectacle political event. Since everyone is going through so much insanity right now, being that I’m Rachel Haywire, I’ve decided to run a discount sale for anyone who happens to be reading this. Get 50% off of The Cultural Futurist forever, because no matter what happens tomorrow, you’re here with me now. This special runs for a week—and while it’s unlikely the election will be over by then—this discount certainly will.

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